In this fast paced world full of flashy movie images, internet, cell phones, text messaging and other technologies, we are in dire need of redefining our intimate relationships. Often times we treat our intimate relationships like a fast food chain. Bent on having the most pleasure and the most passion in the shortest amount of time without realizing that we have left out the heart altogether. And then we wonder why we burn through relationships so quickly! True connection happens when we are able to sustain contact with one another for many moments at a time instead of instinctively reaching for our phone to text or receive a text from someone else.
If we want to move into a sustainable loving mature relationship there are stages of interaction that allow for authentic connection and relationship building. Anything valuable is worth taking time to explore. Perhaps a question to ask oneself is, Do I really want to be in a partnership right now? Even if the answer is No, knowing the stages of building sacred sexuality in intimacy is a valid way toward understanding how best to move forward when that time arrives.
The way sacred is defined for the purposes of this article relates to a spiritual, protective, comfortable and compassionate space from which to experience sex and intimacy. Focusing on the sacred as a place within us and within our relationship that opens us toward experiencing true connection. In any authentic relationship, the process takes precedent over the outcome. By staying connected with one another, we value the process of being together more than an orgasm! And yet when an honorable connection is established through the following stages, orgasms reach heights beyond comprehension! Oooh la la!
Stages of Sacred Sexual Intimacy
1. Developing Friendship (No Sex Yet!)
2. Honest Communication = Listening
3. Intimate Touching and Massage
4. Sacred Love Making Date
5. Sacred Sexuality realized through practice!
1. Developing Friendship (No Sex Yet!)
Let's begin by looking at the importance of developing a friendship with a love interest prior to having sexual intimacy. By slowly getting to know one another, in having fun adventures together two people learn the value of friendship. Taking time to learn about one another's passions, interests, and even fears. This is called dating! Really taking time to go on picnics, go to the movies, rock climbing, be silly together or whatever meets your fancy. For some people this process may take several weeks while for others it may take several months. If the dating process only takes several days, there may need to be a reevaluation about priorities. Is a partnership really desired? We can then be very honest with ourselves. Perhaps we do want a partnership, but then find after a few dates that we know more of what we want and what we want is not being met in this person! That is okay! We can only truly value someone when we value ourselves. When we value ourselves, we recognize that friendship and love relationships take time, energy and money. Where is the sex? It's coming! Do you sense the importance of building up to the climax? Let's stay with the process.
2. Honest Communication = Listening
One of the most important components of a mature and healthy relationship is honest communication between two people. What is that? Honest communication actually includes one thing. Listening. Being quiet while the other person speaks her/his truth. Listening without interrupting! Being completely present with the other which means not talking on the phone, not checking email, not sending text messages, not talking to the kids etc. This type of listening is very important and most important in the beginning. Otherwise what is the point of being with someone who doesn't listen? A person might as well befriend a wall, a dog, or a cat. Which does happen! Authentic listening is one of the highest forms of intimacy we can experience. Listening with the whole body, mind and spirit. For some people, this level of intimacy is beyond sex! Woah nelly! There is great value in being truly present with someone by fully listening. The value comes from the heart being open to accepting the other person completely. Wow! Now we are getting somewhere!
3. Intimate Touching and Massage
After developing a friendship in this way of listening and adventures, the loving intimacy of touch is ever so valued. Making massage and touch dates with one another is a lot of fun and amps up the attraction and desire 1000 fold! Still no sex! Seriously! The continuing build up occurs from a place of honoring one another through loving touch without having to act on the very primal urge of Wham Bam Thank You Maam! Both people respect one another more for holding out on that urge, and take time to really get to know one another's bodies. It's about the process. This practice is directly related to courtly love and Romantic Noble activity. Yes, even back in King Arthur's time, the men who courted the noble women relished in solely caressing their nude voluptuous bodies! Oooh, intriguing! Onward and upward!
If there is uncertainty on how to go about massaging, then exploration is a great way to learn! Make an appointment to receive a massage or check out a few books. Truly, massage is also about listening. Sitting quietly with the chosen lover and touching from the heart, not solely from the sexual desire! Why? When the energy becomes focused solely on the sex centers, often times the presence of heart goes out the door with the dog, so to speak! By maintaining eye contact through soft gazing at one another from the heart while simultaneously touching in a sexually intimate way, the sexual connections becomes sacred. Each person is more consciously aware of the love between them. Touching from the heart with gentleness and thoughtfulness allows for honoring of one another to continue. Otherwise, the sex takes over and potentially controls the future relating with one another instead of relating from the heart, the place of true love. Touching from the heart opens up trust in one another and furthers the desire while increasing the intensity of the orgasms! Yes, even for the man! It's an orgasm of a more potent, longer lasting and energetic vibratory experience!
4. Sacred Love Making Date
Now is the time we all have been waiting for, the sex! Remember to continue to develop the friendship all the while the physical exploration continues. By this time, both people may realize that sex is not as important as they originally thought it would be and yet they are crazy for one another! In order to maintain a sense of honoring, a date of sacred love making is the best method to continue forth. Setting up candles, delightful soft music, soothing aromas, sweet foods, soft blankets, silky sheets and elegant night clothing. Begin the date by bathing one another. This can take place in a bath or shower. The main idea is to bring the attention to the loving gentle arousing touch while also shampooing and soaping one another! No sex in the shower! Then moving to the bed continue touching, caressing each other sensually, and listening to one another in body, mind and spirit. Oooh la la!
Time to address the practical thoughts wandering in this vein. It's important to remember that this sacred love making session is the first one with follow up dates spread throughout the year. The main thing to remember is to honor one another. We all know that once the sex begins it takes on many forms! If that means getting together in the woods during a lunch break, so be it! Just as long as you both know what sacred love making feels like, tastes like, looks like, sounds like, and smells like in order to come back to that way of being with one another. Now the stages are almost complete!
5. Sacred Sexuality realized through practice!
One important aspect worth noting is recognizing that we are all doing the very best we can with what we have been given in this life. That means that happily ever after actually involves a lot of listening, honesty, and honoring of each other. Happily ever after involves discussions of a challenging and sometimes heightened manner as each person grows into a deeper understanding of what it means to love her/his own self while also loving another. The intimate sexual relationship flourishes through the practice of listening, honoring, touching and valuing one another in friendship and sacred sexual relating. Practice brings sustaining love and joy! Voila! Honest intimate friendship creates sacred sexuality! Enjoy!
