Dating Someone With Kids: Good, Bad, or Ugly

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Photo credit: Robin Moore

Go Team and Hang out with Your Friends

We had a blast last night hanging out with friends/neighbors for a pre-season party for a Broncos game.  Good Times!

When was the last time you and your sweetie hung out with friends?  For this particular get together we took the kiddos too.  So good times were had by all.  

See - a date night doesn't have to be without the kids.  

Oh, and go Broncos!

Reward your partner for taking care of the kids!

One of the hardest yet most fun things to do is take care of the kids all day. If you don't have children you are missing one of the pure joys of life. However it is difficult to be the only one taking care of them. Having a joint effort is the best when taking care of the munchkins. Sometimes however one of us have to work while the other partner has to be the main source of childcare. When this happens you need to reward you partner for the most important job ever. Take them to dinner, or pick out a movie that they like or just give them time for themselves. Make it known that you appreciate this hard but rewarding task they have performed. Tell them how great of parent they are and that you love them even more for being super mom/dad.

Practice your kissing.

Remember when you were dating and you could kiss for hours on end. Using all the kissing techniques within your ability to impress your partner. It is time we take a little time and practice those techniques again. Set up a make out session for the two of you. You could rent a movie and kiss off and on through out the movie. You can also use it as great foreplay for your next sexual experience. Take time and enjoy the kissing like you did when you both were younger. You might just find yourself getting the euphoric state that you did the first few times they two of you kissed. Kissing is so good for you and your relationship that I think they are going to start bottling it.

Give the gift of time!

There is one thing that you can give our partner that is the most valuable gift ever. That is the gift of time. This can be given in many different ways. You can give them time to themselves, to read, or relax or just do whatever they want to do. You can also give them the gift of your time, taking time out of your schedule to spend quality time with them. Take a day off work to enjoy it with them or to take them someplace special. You can never go wrong giving the gift of time no matte how you do it. Maybe you agree to watch the children while they exercises or take them away so they can have a totally quite house to do whatever they want. Again this is the most valuable item you can distribute to them and maybe you would like this gift also at times. Don't be afraid to ask for it. Tell them you would like them to schedule you in some time or that you really need to get something accomplished and need some alone time. If your partner truly loves you they will understand the gift will be given.

Above is the great painting by Salvador Dali

Let your kids or others kids see you being in love.

One thing that I feel is way to avoided in our society is letting our children see what being in love is about. I am not saying you should sit there and make out in front of them. Let them see the two of you holding hands, and let them know that a quick kiss it okay, and one thing you have to do is let them know that Mommies and Daddies need time alone. With these things you are sitting up the ground work for you children to have great relationships in the future. Our children learn from our examples, so if they see their parents in a relationship that is full of spite and anger that is what they will feel is a normal relationship. It is time to break the mold and let your children understand that you love each other. Tell them how much you love their other parent or your partner, don' think that they cannot handle it. Talk about your lover to them when they are gone, tell them you wished they were home or that you miss them. Children understand a lot more then you realize. If you want your children to have great relationships in the future lead by example and let them see what love is about.

Birth Control for a solid relationship

In any relationship where sex is involved you will need to consider birth control unless you are wanting to have children. You might think this is an easy choice but it is as different as there are as many couples out there. Condoms are great but they don't allow you to feel the closeness. The pill is consistent but has some major hormonal effects for some women. Diaphragms, IUD's, female condoms, etc all have one draw back or another. There is not perfect solution that is 100% effective and most of them do not allow you to be spontaneous. So, you might ask what is the right choice should you get a vasectomy or your tubes tied? Well are you going to want to have kids at some point and time? If so then these are not options and again they are not 100% effective. They are a little closer but still cases have been reported where pregnancy has occurred after either of these procedures have been performed. The right answer for you depends on the two of you, which method offers the most protection while fitting into your lifestyle. Is it right for you to put the pressure on the woman to remember to take the pill all the time, or will condoms not let you feel the pleasure that both of you enjoy. Together you have to way all the options, another thing to consider is how you feel on pregnancy is it something you both might want at some point. Then maybe you can choose a lesser effective method and play a little hit or miss game. You can even switch it up a bit use condoms one time and then use a diaphragm the next time. What ever you choice it needs to be a combined choice and that will make it work the best for the both of you.

Be ready to be flexible.

Being a couple is full of compromises. When you have two or more peoples lives living out of the same house then you really have to be prepared for those unexpected things that pop up. Way back when a time when you were not it a relationship you only had to worry about things that directly effected you. Now that you are in a relationship you have to worry about not only your issues but your partners as well. Not to mention if you have kids that you have to be really flexible to keep up with them. You might have made plans to go out on a date with your partner when all of the sudden your child finds out they made the spelling bee championships on the same night. Whoops, change of plans, you will now be attending the spelling bee. However, here is the kicker to keep your relationship strong you have to reschedule that evening out for the two of you. Maybe even make it later in the evening or the next night. The one thing you can to is forget about it. That puts you on the fast track of not doing anything to improve or make your relationship exciting. Compromises will arise all the time but you have to bend and twist with them to make it all work out. Because it all is important.

What about good morning sex?

One thing I think we stop doing once we get so far in a relationship is that we stop having good morning sex. We focus on our intimacy during the evening and we just rush out of bed in the mornings to get on with our day. I want to suggest spending a little more time in the sack in the mornings. There are a couple of obstacles in your way if you are wanting to do enjoy this. The first being kids if you have them morning time might be a little difficult to get some privacy. A simple solution to this is to lock your door or get up a little earlier so that you are finished and relaxing by the time the kids burst into your room. The biggest deterrent in morning sex is morning breath. The funky smell your mouth creates during a night of being shut. Well you can pick up some little toothbrushes that all ready have the toothpaste inside them. Keep these items on the headboard for quick use. This also sends the message to your partner when then wake to see you using this disposable toothbrushes the will know what or who is about to be coming.

Be My Valentine

Want to do something sweet and adorable for Valentine's Day? Think back to when you were very little and some of your very first Valentine's Days. Did you ever send the not to the young boy/girl that said, "Will you be my Valentine?" then finished it with "Circle YES or NO" then you had your friend give it to the person you thought was cute and waited to get the note back. Well do that again only this time give it to your spouse, lover, partner, mate who ever is in your life that you care about deeply. Sure it may be a little silly but what is life without laughter and fun. If your lucky you might get it back with a big circle around the YES. Have a great Valentine's Day and enjoy the love in your life.

Are you leaving yourself to many exits to avoid intimacy?

Exits are basically ways to escape or leave things. Are you using any exits to avoid intimacy in your relationship? Think about it do you avoid intimacy in your relationship and if so what is your choice of exits. Things such as television, or sickness are two of the common ones. We have all heard the old line "Not tonight dear, I have a headache" or we get so involved in a show that we have to watch it several times a night until we are to tired. Sports are another big exit people use to get away from intimacy in a relationship. Personally I don't understand why you would want to be in a relationship and avoid intimacy. Exits can be things that are important also like you kids, do you know anyone that puts their children ahead of everything else and then doesn't have time to enjoy things they want to do. I agree that your children are important but they need to understand that relationships are important and you are the only one that can show them that. Some exits are harmful to the person or other persons in a relationship. Alcohol and drugs are the main exits people use to escape from the pressure of being in a relationship. Right now I want you to think about exits you use in your relationship, they can be things you use to avoid intimacy or even just things you use to avoid areas of your relationship such as parenting or friendship. Relationship are not easy for everyone and the are constantly requiring work, so instead of shying away with the use of exits why not buck up and put the effort into building a strong relationship?

Appreciate the People that make your life easier.

I know this blog is about couples but, there are I am sure people in your life that help make your relationship a little better. Maybe it's the baby sitter, or the person that cleans your house but these types of people help you attend more to your relationship, by taking things off your hands and allowing you to go on dates or just relax together. It could be the kid that mows your lawn or shovels your driveway, how about the person that does you hair for special occasions. What about the neighbor that get your mail while your away on a romantic getaway. Think about the people that make your life a little easier and then go out and pick up a little something for them. Get them a gift certificate to the local fast food joint, or a movie pass it doesn't have to be a huge present just a little token of your appreciation for them. No matter how small they will appreciate it.

Split time at kids events.

As parents we are always struggling to find time for everything. This might seem a little crazy but I want you to take turns going to your children's events. Things such as baseball game where there are about a hundred (a little exaggeration) each summer, swim lessons, or any type practice your child could possible have. Here is the point I want to make with this, when you miss one of your child's events, have you partner give you the play by play of what happened. You get to see how he/she saw the event unfold and get their perspective on it. You can even get your child's perspective on what happened. This way you get communication started between not only your partner and you but your child as well. Don't let either one of them just say "it was okay" ask for details. Even if your child struck out everytime they got up, see if they nipped the ball or almost got hit by a pitch. Encourage them to elaborate on the event. This might help you later in life when you need to talk to them about more important things such as sex or drugs. Everywhere we turn people say we need better communication and what a better way to exercise your communication skill then this method.

Affection in front of the kids (ewww yuck!)

Something that I think needs to be done in your relationship is to let your children know you are in love. Show each other affection in front of them. Now I am not talking about getting down and dirty. Save that for the bedroom or any other room as long as the little ones are asleep. However, let your young children know it is okay for the two of you to touch each other and be affectionate with each other. I don't ever remember seeing my parents touch, kiss or hold hands when I was growing up. I think that without such a vision in a young child’s mind he/she might think that it is not to be done. Or he/she may grow up to believe you shouldn't show that you care about someone in front of other people. It may sound crazy, but I can see this leading to a lot of problems in a relationship. Keeping the fact that you are attracted to each other away from your children gives them a different idea of what a relationship is! I think of all the domestic abuse in this country, and how many children see that. Far too often that child grows up to think it is okay or the norm.

Well, what if we reverse that? What if a child sees his/her daddy kiss his/her mommy or hold hands with her? Don't you think that will help a child grow up knowing that a relationship should be nurturing. Young children love to imitate their parents. Let’s start showing them how to care about one another. Heck maybe even someone else’s kids will see you holding hands or quickly kissing each other goodbye and see that is okay. From time to time your child might walk in on you during a little more intimate situation (come on you know what I mean- sex), and I think one thing that is important and maybe a little hard to do is not jump up right away like the two of you are doing something wrong. If you can slowly move apart and address the young child’s needs then explain to them that mommies and daddies need time alone together, you just might help them deal with similar situations when they are adults.

Be up front with your children in regards to love and relationships. Not only will they understand it better, but you will definitely help them out later in life. So many relationship problems and sexual problems can be traced back to parents. Don't be the one that makes your son feel like kissing his wife is wrong or the one that makes your daughter feel like sex is dirty. Use the right words and explain when they are curious and their future partners will thank you!