Should You Take Sex Dreams Literally?

We talked with Deb Dutilh, Relationship and Communication Maven, about your sexy dreams. Should you take them literally? What if you dream of an ex? How can you remember your dreams to figure them out? 
http://www.debdutilh.com

Do You Miss Talking - Really Talking To Your Sweetie?

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Photo credit: http://www.byuwsr.blogspot.com

You Are Wrong!! I Am Right!! Do's and Don'ts of Relationship Communication

We talked with Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Breakthrough Coaches, about the age old argument between couples - who is right and who is wrong. And, they share a number of tips and insights into communicating with your sweetie. Check it out for lots of great info! 

http://www.relationshipgold.com

Connect Through Your Past - The Soulmate Experience

We want to thank Mali Apple and Joe Dunn for sharing an excerpt of their book, The Soulmate Experience with us.  

CONNECT THROUGH YOUR PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES

Our past experiences have the potential to greatly contribute to our relationship. Many of us, though, are uncomfortable hearing about our partner’s previous lovers and sexual encounters. We may be inclined to judge our romantic and sexual experiences against theirs or to compare ourselves to their past lovers. We may be concerned if our partner expresses appreciation or affection for a former lover. Many couples, usually through an unspoken agreement, simply avoid the topic altogether.

Some people, while intrigued by their partner’s previous intimacies and the idea of sharing their own, have either been conditioned to stay clear of the subject or don’t think their partner would be receptive. Other people would be comfortable relating their own stories, but would rather avoid the insecurities that would surface if they listen to their partner’s.

Because many of us tend to experience jealousy in these situations, we’re often advised to be cautious about which experiences we share and how much we reveal. We’re warned not to say anything that could make our partner feel inadequate or insecure. But if we set up our relationships so that we must censor ourselves and try to anticipate and avoid whatever might trigger our partner’s jealousy, we may never know the profound intimacy that’s at the heart of a truly connected relationship.

When we have the tools and the intentions in place to heal any uncomfortable feelings that surface, sharing our past romances and sexual encounters with our lover can be a path to deeper intimacy. Revealing aspects of ourselves that we normally keep hidden, and exploring them with the person we love, is true intimacy. A safe, loving space is also an ideal environment for investigating and beginning to heal painful memories or lingering wounds from sexual experiences that were embarrassing, diminishing, or traumatic. Through this process, you might also be inspired to investigate them further with the help of a coach or counselor.

If you and your partner decide to try sharing your memories and experiences, it will be a very personal process. When you’re the storyteller, you might paint a scene for your partner by describing the setting and how you were feeling. When you’re the listener, you might just offer your partner your loving presence, listening fully and letting go of any opinions, judgments, or agenda. Or you might ask questions that encourage your partner to explore the memory more deeply. Whatever approaches the two of you take, have an intention to stay completely connected. If uncomfortable feelings are triggered, turning your attention to exploring and healing them can be a truly loving experience.

As you connect through your intimate stories, your relationship circle will expand to embrace your previous experiences. Instead of feeling separate from each other’s past, you will be drawing on those pasts to contribute to your present—together.

Excerpted with permission from The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships by Mali Apple and Joe Dunn. This bestselling book won a 2012 International Book Awards gold medal and a 2012 Living Now Awards silver medal. Mali and Joe are currently deep in the creation process of the second book in “The Soulmate Experience” series, The Soulmate Lover.

Click here to get your copy of Mali and Joe's book, The Soulmate Experience.

Photo credit: © Maksim Toome - Fotolia.com

How to Not Lose Touch With Your Lover

It is so easy to lose touch with your beloved partner.  In these modern times, it has become easier and easier to tune in to the television, your computer, your phone or your iPad.  This means you are tuning out from your sweetheart and your intimate relationship.  It may not seem so at first, but eventually, even being turned on by your lover will wane and become second to today’s media and digital gadgets and other things you fill your life with.  It is vital to stay tuned in to your relationship and to your partner so that you stay turned on by them too!  Only then can you work towards experiencing a long-lasting committed relationship filled with love and trust.   

Relationships are actually spiritual paths for each of us.  Your romantic intimate relationship is the most profound of all.  It will offer you a mirror for your deepest emotions, expressions, neurotic patterns (we ALL have them), love, compassion, and humor to be reflected back to you in some fashion.  

So, how can you reignite intimacy and sensual pleasure in your relationship?  And, if you still have it, how can you take it to the next level?

A Quick Note About Sensuality vs. Sexuality

More often than not if someone says to you, “That was a sensual delight.”  Your mind will instantly think “sex”.  But, sensual pleasure is really about gratifying the senses – all of them – not just the five physical ones.  You don’t have to involve physical lovemaking to experience your sensuality.

Delighting in the sight of your lover, hearing his/her laugh, smelling a special cologne, holding hands or
sharing a massage, or tasting his/her lips are sensual experiences.  Connecting to your own soul, your lover’s soul, and your spirituality is also very sensual. 

Know YOU – Get Connected to Your Own Soul

Getting in touch with yourself, with your soul is the first step in reigniting or upleveling your intimate and sensual pleasure in life and in your relationship.  If you aren’t aware of your spirituality, simply focus on getting in touch with YOU.  Whatever or whoever you are to you. 

The easiest and quickest way to reconnect with your soul is by first recognizing those things in your life that simply light you up inside.  They feel like they are the wind in your sails.  These things can be anything: drumming; singing; teaching; hiking; swimming; dancing; laughing; making love; cooking; gardening; cycling; etc.  There is no right or wrong.  Only you have the answer to what makes you feel this way.  The second step is to make sure you have some of these unique-to-you things in your life daily, weekly, monthly.  Bring them in to your life as often as you can.

You will be happier and this happiness will feed into your relationship.  Share these joys with your lover.

Know Your Sweetheart – Connect to His/Her Soul

This will take your relationship to a deeper level.  Once you (re)connect with your soul – yourself, it is vital that you connect with your sweetheart in a similar way.  What makes him/her light up?  How can you support that and bring more of that into your lives?  If both of you do this and then share it together, you will discover a beautiful aspect of your relationship that you may not have been aware of before.   

Communicate

Communication is key to every single aspect of your relationship.  Yet, not everyone communicates in the same way.  You may be able to talk about your joys, your sorrows, what happened at work today, what the dog did to irritate you, what your best friend posted on your Facebook wall and what is upsetting you in your relationship.  But, your lover may not be able to easily talk about these things.  We can express our feelings through ways other than verbal communication.  It may come through singing, painting, or drawing.  Of course, one of the biggest ways to communicate is through body language.  Be fully present and truly pay attention to your lover.  Listen – deeply – to what he/she may say.  Observe his/her actions or reactions.  There are clues and often, clear messages even if the two of you communicate very differently.

Share Laughter and Play Together      

Don’t take life or yourself too seriously.  Yes, of course, there are very serious aspects, but letting go and goofing around, laughing and being playful is a huge key to happiness and feeling joyful.  This will deepen the closeness between the two of you, which will ultimately help you enhance your sensuality overall. 

Laugh at the dinner table.  Laugh while brushing your teeth.  Laugh throughout your day anywhere and everywhere that you can.  And, for God’s sake, laugh in the bedroom!

Share inside jokes with each other.  Maybe they will relate to a funny bedroom experience or something completely different, but they will be your little secret.  People will envy your closeness.  Allow yourselves to be like two young lovebirds giggling and whispering.

Sharing more laughter with each other and deepening your intimate bond will open a doorway for the two of you to experience powerful, playful passion all day long.  You will be able to feel it pretty much everyday.  Draw upon it when something gets you down or something causes you stress. 

Continue to Learn and Grow Together

Continually seek new things to learn.  You can take classes together or pick up a new hobby together.  Yet, be bold enough to have new experiences individually, too.  By honoring and respecting your lover’s individuality you are helping the two of you grow.  You need to honor and respect YOU, your lover, and your relationship.  You are teammates, but you don’t need to stay attached at the hip all the time either. 

Step outside your comfort zone.  Oh boy, this is a big one!  You can’t grow and sustain a beautiful relationship if you refuse to step outside of your comfort zone.  If you allow fear (fear of failing, fear of rejection, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of???) to keep you within in the boundaries of what you know already, then you prevent yourself from the potentiality of amazing new experiences and from continued growth.  Staying in your comfort zone without learning to step outside of it (even just a tiny baby step) will cause your life to become stagnate.  Hmmm…what will that do your relationship? 

Imagine a beautiful flowing stream always moving and changing when the need arises.  Hear the gentle trickle and smell the fresh air. Now imagine a stagnant pool of water with debris piled up in it.  No pleasant sounds of moving water and a nasty stench to boot.  Would you prefer to continue gently flowing into the unknown or stay stagnate and backed-up? 

Put It All Together

Get in touch with you.  Truly know your own soul.  Dive deep into whom your partner/lover/spouse is and whom he/she becomes as you continue your path together.  Communicate on numerous levels.  Talk to your lover, but be aware of your other forms of communication – body language, eye contact, and much more.  Be playful and bring more laughter into your lives.  Intentionally and willingly step outside of your comfort zone so that you continue to learn and experience new things. 

These are simple ways to not only reignite your passion for your relationship, but for your life.  When passion and deep intimacy is sustained in your romantic relationship, your relationship will be stronger and more beautiful than you may ever have imagined. 

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. - Spiritual Teacher

Rob Alex, M.Sc. - Author or Sexy Challenges/Sacred Sensual Teacher

Copyright 2013

Our sexual help books SEXY CHALLENGES are going global.

If you haven't seen them yet, the producers of The Couples Spot, also are the creators of SEXY CHALLENGES. Sexy Challenges are great adventures for lovers and are starting to get noticed globally. Sure they are great at improving intimacy in a relationship that is lacking or isn't as exciting as it use to be. However, most people don't realize that they are so much more. Sparking communication within a relationship are a aspect overlooked. As the coupe decides when and how to complete the challenge they start conversing about things that will help the challenge. This opens up other lines of communication for the couple to branch out to. Sexy Challenges also helps the couple over come the embarrassment or nervousness of talking about sex. Instead they are presented with a new activity and have to perform it. Finally the challenge gets the couple working as a team to achieve the outcome of the challenge. I constantly hear couples talking about how the spilt the work involved with getting ready to perform the challenge. One partner will make reservations or get things ready while the other rounds up the kids to get them to the sitter. This helps both partners enjoy the challenge. Check out our new combo pack and see how SEXY CHALLENGES can improve your overall relationship.

Purchase the Sexy Challenges Combo Pack here.

Texting in a marriage can be your best friend.

One of the best technology that helps out a marriage is texting. It might sound a little silly but when you start seeing the benefits you will have to agree. Texting allows the two of you the freedom to converse without having to have both of you on the phone for extended periods of time. Plus it allows you to communicate with each other while you are busy. You can send a message to your partner and they can read it when they get a break or chance. Quick answers that texting give is awesome. For example you can quickly text each other to see who is picking up the kids or what you want for dinner. A simple reply quickly gets the point across and leaves no doubt to what is going on. You can also send sexy text messages to get your partner wound up for later in the evening. This might sound really crazy but I like to text my partner when we are in the same room. It is fun and adds a sense of mystery as the beep sounds to inform my partner she has a message. I like to send simple productive relationships messages like "You are so beautiful", "OMG I love the way you look when you are vacuuming", or "Hi there sexy!!!!" You can also use texting for lists for your partner. Like groceries that you need, or errands to run, plus you can also give quick information as to children's schedule changes, or to let them know when you have to make an unexpected trip. Texting might seem informal and not personal but it in fact is a wonderful tool for a relationship.

Send a late night email expressing your feelings or fears.

Sometimes it is hard to just bring up something that has had deep meaning in your life. It might be something from you childhood or maybe even something that your partner has done the hurt your feelings. You want to express your total feelings without being interrupted before you get your whole point across. This is where the magic thing we call email is a benefit. Find some time when you are alone and construct your message to your partner, opening up your feelings and letting your emotions come out in the email. Send it to them and say nothing, never ask if they got the email, just wait for a reply either in person or by return email. Sure, face to face talking is always the best but sometimes if you might be embarrassed or scared to tell them how you feel. Most likely your partner will understand your feelings and then you have now opened up the lines of communication and found another way to communicate with the person you love.

Are you good to lean on during troubled times?

Part of being in a relationship is being there for you partner when they need you. Do you offer support and encouragement for them when things are bothering them? If not you need to step back and take a look at this today. Don't ignore even a little problem you partner has if nothing else listening will help. Avoid saying things like that is silly or anything that would belittle their concerns. If you do feel like they are wrong in their thinking try to get them to look at it in a different angle. Put a twist on it so that they can see the other side of the situation. With some good communication skills you will be the rock in your relationship. This will also open up the lines of other communication that is so important in a relationship. If you partner feels they can't be comfortable telling you their concerns then you are shutting down an important part of your relationship. Open you ears and listen totally before you make any suggestion or solutions, sometimes the answer will present itself once they speak their mind.

Communication Exercises

Communication is and always will be a hurdle in a relationship. We often have trouble communicating our wishes to our partner. Sometimes we fear hurting his/her feelings or we are afraid of being rejected by him/her and having our own feelings hurt.

Here is a little communication exercise that they two of you can implement into your relationship.
It will help clear up some communication problems. In my opinion, one of the biggest problems in a relationship is that one person is more out spoken than the other. This leads to discussions being one sided and the other person not being able to get his/her point across.

What you need to do is set up a couple of days for single communication for each one of you. Pick a day and a time when the two of you have time to sit down together and discuss things.  Set aside 15-30 minutes.

On the first day only one person gets to talk.  He/she expresses things that are bothering him/her as well as things that make him/her happy. Here is the kicker, the other person cannot respond to anything until the next day. It is important for him/her to remain quite and listen without interruption even if he/she disagrees with what the speaking partner is saying.

Both partners let that soak in until they can sit down again.   Then it is the other partner's turn to speak openly.  Not only does this offer the quieter of the two to get his/her point across, but it helps both partners learn to listen.  

Make this a regular practice - perhaps once a week or once a month.  Do this and you will see a change in your relationship as the communication lines begin to open.

Be straight forward with what you want in the bedroom.

It is far to common for people to keep their desires locked away from everyone, and that is okay if you are hiding them from the general public. However if you are in a great relationship with someone you really care about then you need to cue them into your desires. It might be a little nerve racking to tell someone this important to you that you want something a little different in the bedroom, but believe me they are probably feeling the same way. Open up those lines of communication however don't be afraid to say if you are uncomfortable with the suggestion they give. I think you will be pleasantly surprise at the reactions you get to expressing your desires. We all have curiosities and want to experience new things and what better way to do that then to experiment a little in the bedroom. Make sure that if your partner opens up to you with a desire they have that you respond in the correct way. Consider anything that they say, but again don't be afraid to say no if you are totally uncomfortable with it. When you partner opens up to you in the manner make sure you respond with a request of your own, basically trade desires with each other. You know the old saying one hand washes the other, well one hand can role play while they other ties you up, too. Research the request together and makes sure you know all precautions that you might need to perform the request. Sex is an important part of any long term relationship, and spicing it up never hurts it's importance. Now, take a deep breath and tell you partner your desires, this will set the tone for a great relationship where communication is your best friend.

Split time at kids events.

As parents we are always struggling to find time for everything. This might seem a little crazy but I want you to take turns going to your children's events. Things such as baseball game where there are about a hundred (a little exaggeration) each summer, swim lessons, or any type practice your child could possible have. Here is the point I want to make with this, when you miss one of your child's events, have you partner give you the play by play of what happened. You get to see how he/she saw the event unfold and get their perspective on it. You can even get your child's perspective on what happened. This way you get communication started between not only your partner and you but your child as well. Don't let either one of them just say "it was okay" ask for details. Even if your child struck out everytime they got up, see if they nipped the ball or almost got hit by a pitch. Encourage them to elaborate on the event. This might help you later in life when you need to talk to them about more important things such as sex or drugs. Everywhere we turn people say we need better communication and what a better way to exercise your communication skill then this method.

Kiss and Tell

Society dictates that we are supposed to keep our love lives to ourselves. I believe that to be pretty much true with some exceptions. Some of those might be talking to a professional to get advice or help keeping your relationship alive. Medical reasons also might be a reason that you explain your current state of intimacy. I'm not talking about things that are causing your relationship troubles. Kiss and tell to me is more about communication then blabbing to your best friend about how great or inadequate your lover performs.

Kiss and tell is between the two of you. If you don't do this now, you should start as soon as possible. All it involves it telling your partner what you like and the things you can do without. I am always quick to tell my partner when something feels good, whether we are in the middle of sexual activities or if we are just out somewhere alone or in a group. You have to open up to your partner and share your feelings. I know that I want to make my special someone feel the best they can. To do that I need input and I don't mean hints, I mean tell me damn it. If I reach down and hold your hand during a scary movie and you enjoy that tell me. If I squeeze your bottom at the family reunion and you feel uncomfortable with that let me know, don't get mad - just explain it to me. When we are in the middle of sex and I am doing something great for heaven’s sakes tell me or at least say yes yes YES.

It sounds so simple I know, but some people really have a hard time telling others what they want in a relationship. I have some suggestions to help these people, kiss and tell. For starters work out some sort of signal to let the other person know your feelings. In the bedroom if you are enjoying what your partner is doing then work out a signal for that, like squeezing his/her shoulders or running your fingers through his/her hair. This trigger gets you over that communication hump by avoiding having to say anything. Another way to avoid speaking about your sexual needs is to right them down for the other person to read when you are not around. Leave him/her a card that says I really loved it last night when you... you can even email him/her if no one else as access to his/her email. If you have a toy or specific item you would like to try in bed then order it and have it sent to your partner. Believe me he/she will get the hint.

This kiss and tell works both ways so don't ignore your partner when he/she tells you he/she likes something you do. Take it as a compliment. Don't think of it as shameful. Passion between two people is very special and at least nowadays we are beginning to get that more out in the open. It is proven that sex helps you live longer and feel better and now at least people are telling us we should enjoy it. Thank goodness we are finally out of the stone age.

Get a book to read at the same time!

I got a great idea from a friend of mine the other day. She told me that her and her husband had gotten the book "His Needs, Her Needs." They were reading it together at night as they lay in bed together, they would take turns reading to each other. I thought what a great idea, so that weekend my wife and I went to a near by bookstore and spent about an hour scouring the relationship aisle. We both picked a book that was meant to improve relationships. We also found a couple of question books that were titled "Do you know your husband" and "Do you know your wife." They were just simple question you filled out about your spouse noting things like what their favorite color is or what their favorite toy was as a child. I must tell you that this is very addictive. We said we were only going to do one page a night but we usually end up doing three. My only fear of this is we are going through the question book to fast and it will be done soon. So if anyone knows of any other question books like this please let me know.

These books have increased our communication tremendously. We spend the first part of the night reading our own book (we will switch when we finish) then we spend about 15 minutes saying did you know... The we fill out our questions and talk about them it is so much fun. I really look forward to it each night. Now we have found something to do in bed together that is not sleeping or well you know.......

Click on the title link to go to the amazon page with these question books on them.

Communication 101

Communication 101

 

We all hear that communication is one of the most important things in a relationship.  I don't think anyone can debate that.  However, what if you are not the best talker or you have to think your feelings out before you say them?   You partner thinks you are just being silent.  Yet, you are trying not to say the wrong thing.  If one partner is used to speaking his/her mind, it is hard for the other to get his/her feelings out.  Most often what happens is the easy speaking partner will jump into the conversation before the less assertive partner finishes his/her thought.  To communicate when this is the problem takes effort on both of the people in the relationship.  The more timid speaker of the two has to get his/her courage up and his/her in order before speaking, and the more assertive speaker has to back off a little and let the other partner speak at his/her own speed. 

 

Still, even at best there will still be some communication problems.  Some things I might suggest to help with communication are as follows.  First, try sitting back to back when you need to have a heated discussion.  Sit with your backs touching, this at least gives both of you some comfort as touch is another important part of a relationship.  Some people will be able to speak more from the heart when not having someone staring at him/her waiting for a reply.  If sitting back to back doesn't work, you might try to write your conversation out or since we live in modern times text each other or instant message each other from another room.  Something about conversing over the Internet gives people freedom from their fears of speaking.  But, also be cautious of texting or emailing as one’s tone cannot be understood via written words.  If neither one of these ideas work, you can as a last resort try a mediator.  If you have a close mutual friend you feel comfortable with, let him/her sit in on your communication or you can even get a counselor that can referee your conversations.  I only suggest counseling if you issues are threatening your relationship.   

 

In closing, remember that words can hurt just as much as physical pain – often times more.  If you never have kind words to express to your partner, he/she will feel less of a person and it could spin your relationship towards trouble.  If you need more help or assistance finding communication help, get online and do some searching.  I really like a gentleman that goes by the title "The Tower of Power".  Joshua  Uebergang is his real name, and you can find his web site athttp://www.towerofpower.com.au/