Listen...What is your lover saying?

What is your lover saying to you?  Do you know?  Well, we help you you with a very quick and easy piece of advice to make sure you know.

Rob + Janelle here - Keeping it Sacred + Sexy

Grab a bottle of wine + enjoy a fabulous conversation with your sweetheart!

Who loves you baby?

Have you took inventory lately of how much your partner does for you? Do they go the extra mile for you? Does he/she do things that allow you to be the person you want to be? Does he/she give you massages, does he/she do the dishes for the family, or does he/she take care of the kids so that you can go play golf? These are just a few examples of what you could put on your inventory list. Take a moment and list ten things you partner does that you feel helps you out? Now can you think of ten things that you do for them? Does your list come up a little short? If so then YOU need to take some action to balance it up. Relationships are always give and take but if you are taking more then you are giving the balance is off and the relationship will tilt. We need this balance to have a happy and healthy relationship. Do this everyday and you will soon start seeing that you make sure to balance the give and take. It is only fair to your partner and you. It always feels good when your partner does something special for you but there is a great pride that you will feel when you do something special for them. Take this is heart and balance out your relationship today.

Money Matters - Make a List and stick to it.

Money is always a concern when you are in a relationship. However said two people can live as cheaply as one was crazy. My couples money tip today is for you to make a list before you go to the grocery store. Go through all you cabinets and cupboards and make a detailed list of things you are out of or want to pick up for upcoming meals. Be specific down to what sides you are going to have with what meat. Plan out the whole weeks worth of meals and snacks and complete you list. Now come the tough part, when you get to the store stick to the list only. The grocery stores are set up to attract your attention to buy things you didn't really want with flashy displays and placement of the products. You both have to be strong. Another tip is eat a meal right before you go to the store so that everything and anything doesn't look wonderful. With a little self control you will soon find yourselves saving a lot of money and using the things you purchased. Next time you are on a wonderful vacation thing about how you might not have been where you are if you bought $40-$50 dollars worth of junk at the store?

Learn about your partners past if they will let you.

Most of us have events in our life that have shaped who we are and the reactions we have to things. Do you know those important things about your partner? Do you know why the won't touch alcohol or why they shy away from touch sometimes. Do you understand that sometimes they need a little extra to compensate for something that they missed as a child? These are things that don't just get expressed on your first few dates. These are deep dark secrets that take comfort and love to let someone else know. You are given a wonderful gift when they share these things with you and yet sometimes we don't know quite how to handle them. First and for most keep their confidence in you and don't go trying to fix it tomorrow. This baggage has formed over years and isn't about to go away with one little conversation about it. Don't get discouraged either know that when something is hidden away for long periods of time it forms it's own defense and won't be easily broken down. Things like sexual abuse, alcohol problems, emotional abuse are all things that can affect your relationship but are not going to be easily put to rest. Listening is your best friend, don't judge or offer answers right away let the person get it off their chest and mind. Be their friend and don't get defensive of them ask questions like "How did that make you feel?", or "How did you handle that?" be his/her rock at this point. Don't try to out do him/her even if you have had something happen in your opinion that was much worse. Focus on the pain that your partner is feeling at this point of them opening up. If the problem becomes a burden and starts affecting your relationship then maybe you might suggestion counseling. The point is they need your help but you cannot possibly know how they are feeling because you didn't live it. People will react differently to the same instance so their is no quick fix here. The best thing you can do is be supportive and give all your love to them. Picking up the pieces is hard work and trying to put the puzzle back together is even harder.

Make a favorites list.

A great thing to do for the two of you to avoid boredom is make a favorites list. Take out a sheet of paper or get your word program up on your computer and take turns picking the subject. Things like "Whats your favorite movie", "Whats your favorite food", and "Whats your favorite author or book" are a few to get you started. Start you list and keep it someplace safe and accessible. Now whenever boredom raises it's ugly head take the list out and add to it. Go back over the things you listed before and see if your favorites have changed. If you keep this up for a long time you might want to right down the date on each entry. That way you can make fun of the fact that 10 years ago your partners favorite song was by WHAM or that their favorite movie was Revenge of the Nerds. If you start a pretty extensive list you will have fun just reading the earlier entries and it will really get you thinking about your new entries. You might think about it for a while before you list leg warmers as your favorite article of clothing.

Do you really listen?

When you partner begins to talk about what they are interested in do you really listen? Are you interested in what they are saying and if not are you courteous enough to be interested in them? We have this flaw in our make up that only wants us to be interested in what WE are interested in. While our partner is talking about something they are passionate about we are in our mind wondering what time the game comes on, or how much work we have to do later. We don't really give them the courtesy of listening and trying to enjoy what they are diving into. Listen to your conversations and see if you quickly change the subject as your partner is discussing their topic. Here is a trick I have learned to try and get more involved in what my partner is speaking about. After you partner tells you about something that is of interest to them, ask a question about it. It doesn't have to be a in depth question but it does need to be one that seeks more understanding. Start making it a point to question you partner and get them to give you a little more information before you start talking about your interests. Doing this will not only show your partner that you care but it might just get you a little more understanding as to why they care.

Take inventory of your relationship.

If your like the normal couple you only talk about your partners faults instead of focusing on the good things that they do in your relationship. We dwell on the facts of what they didn't do instead of celebrating the things that they do to help out the household or your relationship. What you need to do is to take time and make a list of all the good things your partner does in your relationship. Write down all the little things like taking out the garbage, picking up the kids, or even fixing dinner. Then look for major things they do to make your relationship better, like making sure the two of you have a date night, or planning a great weekend getaway for the two of you. I am sure once you start writing down things you will be amazed at how many good things your partner does. Do they make the bed, mow the lawn, let you watch the shows you want, or even just kiss you good night. Then the next time you want to yell at them for leaving the lid off the toothpaste, pull out your list and read one of the good things they do. Maybe you can live without the lid on the toothpaste.

Standing in your partners shoes.

Have you ever wondered how your partner is thinking? Wondering how they are viewing what you are saying or how they are truly feeling about a subject. Well there is a form of meditation where you try to place yourself in this other persons position to try and feel how they view the subject you are wondering about. Two people can view the same thing in many different was. You need to listen to your partners feelings then try to meditate and put yourself in their positions knowing how they feel. You might get a better understanding of how they are viewing the subject. This doesn't say that the way you are viewing it is wrong it is just that they have a different perspective. Until you can step out of your feelings you might not ever understand theirs. Maybe you don't have to get into a deep meditation to see this? Maybe you can be objective without getting into a zen like state, if so more power to you. I suggest sitting alone in a quite space, relax yourself with breathing and motionlessness. Then visualize the person you want to understand better, then become them in your mind and look at yourself. Knowing how they tell you they feel, visualize it from their perspective while you are looking at yourself. Have them do they same if they are open to it and maybe you both will realize that neither of your is wrong and both of you are right. Funny that is how opinions work, yet without stepping out of our own shoes sometimes it is hard to swallow.

Our Stress

Once you become a couple you have to share almost everything. Stress is one of these things that has to be shared. No matter whose has the stress it creeps into both of your lives. When one partner is stressed the other will surely feel the effects of this stress. The other partner might be grouchy or upset, or they might with drawl totally form the relationship for a while. The best method to combat this is take the stress on head first. Dive into the problem that is effecting your partner and see if you can help with a solution or just be an open ear to listen. Sometimes just getting the stress out in the open is enough for your partner to start feeling less stressed. Sometimes their stress demands attraction, don't try to avoid the stress that only makes it worse on both of you. Try to come to a solution and work around it the best you can. Once the stress passes you partner will be so greatfull to you that they might treat you a little special for putting up with their stress problems. If you think you will never have stress in your relationship you are in for a big surprise. No matter how comfortable you are something somewhere, some time will bring the ugly stress monster into your life.

Are you good to lean on during troubled times?

Part of being in a relationship is being there for you partner when they need you. Do you offer support and encouragement for them when things are bothering them? If not you need to step back and take a look at this today. Don't ignore even a little problem you partner has if nothing else listening will help. Avoid saying things like that is silly or anything that would belittle their concerns. If you do feel like they are wrong in their thinking try to get them to look at it in a different angle. Put a twist on it so that they can see the other side of the situation. With some good communication skills you will be the rock in your relationship. This will also open up the lines of other communication that is so important in a relationship. If you partner feels they can't be comfortable telling you their concerns then you are shutting down an important part of your relationship. Open you ears and listen totally before you make any suggestion or solutions, sometimes the answer will present itself once they speak their mind.

Listen.

One of the hardest skill to master in a relationship is the art of listening. We all want to add our two cents worth and can't wait to bust into the conversation to do so. Sometimes however we just need to listen and not offer any advice or insight to the situation. Sometimes people just need to vent out frustrations and the person they want to do this with is you. It is hard as the person that just listens to not want to help out, but this only makes matters worse. The person venting just needs to get their feelings out in the open and when they do the release comes. Usually if they have a point that is not a valid one they will see the errors of their way as they vent. They might come across as yelling at you but they are not, they just want to pretend they are letting the person or situation that upset them have it. The yelling or raising of their voice is just a natural defense and another means of letting the stress out. The best thing you can do is hold all comments to the end, after they have told or screamed the whole situation and then run down scenarios with them as you try to find solutions or comfort.

Communication Exercises

Communication is and always will be a hurdle in a relationship. We often have trouble communicating our wishes to our partner. Sometimes we fear hurting his/her feelings or we are afraid of being rejected by him/her and having our own feelings hurt.

Here is a little communication exercise that they two of you can implement into your relationship.
It will help clear up some communication problems. In my opinion, one of the biggest problems in a relationship is that one person is more out spoken than the other. This leads to discussions being one sided and the other person not being able to get his/her point across.

What you need to do is set up a couple of days for single communication for each one of you. Pick a day and a time when the two of you have time to sit down together and discuss things.  Set aside 15-30 minutes.

On the first day only one person gets to talk.  He/she expresses things that are bothering him/her as well as things that make him/her happy. Here is the kicker, the other person cannot respond to anything until the next day. It is important for him/her to remain quite and listen without interruption even if he/she disagrees with what the speaking partner is saying.

Both partners let that soak in until they can sit down again.   Then it is the other partner's turn to speak openly.  Not only does this offer the quieter of the two to get his/her point across, but it helps both partners learn to listen.  

Make this a regular practice - perhaps once a week or once a month.  Do this and you will see a change in your relationship as the communication lines begin to open.

Turn Christmas into a how well do you know me event.

Christmas is a great time to test your knowledge of your partner. If you listen closely through the year you will have all the knowledge you need to pick out presents for your partner. Everytime during the year that your partner might mention something they would like to have or points something out to you in a store you need to make a note of it. I don't mean a mental note, write it down with a piece of paper or file it on your computer. Make note of the time and day to jog their memory if they don't remember asking for it. This gets you in the habit of listening for little clues that your partner puts out. Not only will this make your partners Christmas special but it will make your relationship wonderful too.

Honey Do list

We have all been given a honey do list at sometime or another. Be it written on paper of given to us orally to store in our memory banks. The list usually contains chores and errands that we need to complete. Well if you are the maker of this list one thing you need to remember to do is to put some things on the list that would be something your partner would like to do. For instance in the middle of the list it might say "Give me a Kiss", using things like this to break up the routine of a normal list is a great way to say thank you to your partner for doing the other things on the list. If you like you can even put a reward at the bottom of the list things like "After you have completed all the things on this list you will receive a massage from me" or "Upon completion of this list you will find me naked in bed waiting to pay you for your hard work" This is important to the sanity of our relationship, think of it like that famous saying from the movie "The Shinning", "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"

Moods Swings... they happen.

You know how everything is going along great and then something happens to change your partners mood. They go from being a calm loving person to a cold and harsh person. We as their partner have to understand that they cannot possibly be in a good mood all the time and these things will happen from time to time. What we need to watch is how often they are happening. If it is a daily occurrence or a lot more often then normal, we might need to do some digging. Think of things outside the house that might not be seen by you. Things that are going on a work seem to be a big cause of this discomfort in your partner. They so often want to shelter us from their problems at work, as they feel it is not our problem. When this happen you need to put your listening skills to the test. Don't offer suggestions or ways they can correct the problem unless they ask you. Listen and listen some more, most likely getting things out in the open and off their chest will help as much as anything. The last thing you want to do is try to correct them during this time as then they feel you are against them, too. The best help you can be with these problems that swing your partners mood is to listen and be the shoulder to lean on. Sure sometimes you just want your happy person back but to get them back you need to help them get through whatever is bothering them.

Sexual Self Image

One of the most common ares of concern when dealing with sexual difficulties is a poor sexual self image. Our minds are bombarded with images of perfect bodied individuals have sex on the television or big screen. We see people with no body fat, muscles that bulge, and boobs that are firm and perfect. Now let us examine that to start with most of these people have either had surgery to enhance their body image or have use a substance like steroids to get the look they desire. What does that tell you? It says they had a poor body image and took steps in their mind to correct it. We all know the effects of these cosmetic improvements and it usually come back to haunt them. Now lets look inward to ourselves. For starters we are all beautiful, who says what is perfect and how we should look? WE DO!!! For our sexual self image I hear so much of how people have to have the light off to have sex and that they don't want their partner of all people to see them naked? This is crazy, the one person that will except you as you are is your partner. They have made a commitment to you and they love you, so share yourself with them. Poor sexual self image can stem from many different places, childhood memories, early development periods in your life, and maybe even earlier relationships. Once you find someone you truly love you need to try to put those feelings behind you. Do you actually think that your partner thinks your genitals are ugly? I am sure you partner thinks they are one of the most beautiful things on earth. My advice to you is to start using a little light in your bedroom, candles work great, they will allow your partner to see you beautiful body without being in the glaring light of electricity, plus it is ten times more romantic. Let her/him make a big deal about your body, let them tell you how beautiful you are, and really listen to this. Most people feel that the partner is just saying this, but think about it. They are in the relationship for the long haul they have nothing to gain by lying to you??? I understand that somewhere along the lines of your life that someone has but the idea into your head that you are not sexually beautiful, well I am hear to tell you they were wrong. Be beautiful, handsome, sexy, and alive.