Who brought the negative energy in here?

The most wonderful place to feel safe and important is inside your relationship. You should feel protected and special within the realm of your our partners arms. Yet sometimes we bring negative energy into our relationship that can cause turmoil and struggles. Problems at work, struggles with our children, or just a tough drive home can cause us to dump our negative energy into our relationship. Once we do this then that negative energy starts gnawing on our passionate loving relationship. Think back have you ever let a bad day or bad situation outside your home effect your relationship. Have you ever been testy with your partner because you had one of these bad days? Is it fair that your partner should get the brunt of your feelings about that subject. While you should be able to air out your problems with your partner you should also drop it and and thankful to them for being their afterwards. Always remember that the love you have for each other is the best medicine for a stressful situation. Next time you come home with this feeling of negative energy try this. Wipe it off your feet on your door mat before you get in the house, make a conscience effort to not struggle with it during your time with the people you love the most. If you really feel you need to address the problem with your partner then ask them to step out side to discuss it. Them wipe it off your feet before you come in again. It is easy to dump all our baggage into our relationship because it is close to us and our major focus. However using your relationship as a dump for all the negative energy will soon find you wondering why your relationship is so negative.

Learn about your partners past if they will let you.

Most of us have events in our life that have shaped who we are and the reactions we have to things. Do you know those important things about your partner? Do you know why the won't touch alcohol or why they shy away from touch sometimes. Do you understand that sometimes they need a little extra to compensate for something that they missed as a child? These are things that don't just get expressed on your first few dates. These are deep dark secrets that take comfort and love to let someone else know. You are given a wonderful gift when they share these things with you and yet sometimes we don't know quite how to handle them. First and for most keep their confidence in you and don't go trying to fix it tomorrow. This baggage has formed over years and isn't about to go away with one little conversation about it. Don't get discouraged either know that when something is hidden away for long periods of time it forms it's own defense and won't be easily broken down. Things like sexual abuse, alcohol problems, emotional abuse are all things that can affect your relationship but are not going to be easily put to rest. Listening is your best friend, don't judge or offer answers right away let the person get it off their chest and mind. Be their friend and don't get defensive of them ask questions like "How did that make you feel?", or "How did you handle that?" be his/her rock at this point. Don't try to out do him/her even if you have had something happen in your opinion that was much worse. Focus on the pain that your partner is feeling at this point of them opening up. If the problem becomes a burden and starts affecting your relationship then maybe you might suggestion counseling. The point is they need your help but you cannot possibly know how they are feeling because you didn't live it. People will react differently to the same instance so their is no quick fix here. The best thing you can do is be supportive and give all your love to them. Picking up the pieces is hard work and trying to put the puzzle back together is even harder.

Sometimes you just have to get mad

Sometimes you just have to get mad. Does't matter if you are in traffic or at home. You just have to let it out sometimes. This way you don't explode later for no reason. Direct your anger at what makes you angry and leave your relationship out of it. We tend to dump our problems into our relationship because it is comfortable and easy to do. Our partner tries to understand but sometimes it is just way to hard. Think about that next time you fly off the handle at your partner because work was bad. Did they cause the situation or are you just directing your anger at them? Chew on that next time.

Enjoy time off.

The last thing that we ever want in a relationship is to have changes effect us. Things like losing your job can really test a relationship. Both of you have to be prepared for a change like this and securing a new job is a task in itself. The one thing you need to do to make this time less stressful is to make sure to enjoy the extra time you have together. Take time to do things that you might not be able to once you are back to work. Like day time walks or staying up late to watch a movie. Keep you job search in the for front but take the time to enjoy and rekindle your relationship. The job will come but they time you enjoy together just might be more important.

What questions are you asking?

Relationships are give and take and they will always be that way. However I see many couples that don't want to explore each others worlds. We want to tell them about the wonderful or awful things that happen to us but how often do we ask them about things? What is your first course of actions in the morning? Do you ask your partner if they slept well or if they had any exciting dreams? When you get home from work what are your first words? The should be, "How was your day?" or "Anything exciting happen today" Demand that your partner tell you about their excitement and their happenings even if they are boring. Hopefully then they will return the favor, this sparks so much conversation in your relationship and it shows that you really care about them. Resist the urge to jump in and start telling your story until they ask about it and if you can't wait just make sure to ask about their day after you are finished. We want to know that our beloved want to know about what we are doing it makes us know that they are thinking about us during the day.

We Love BOOBS. and our lady partners.

We here at the couples spot love boobs. We think they are amazing they can be fun and exciting for both partners. They can be a complete turn on but for many woman they can be a great source of stress and concern. Breast Cancer is a serious concern for any woman, it can rob them of their life. We love our partners so as the protectors we men like to be (and some women, too) make sure you suggest to your partner to get a mammogram it might not seem like a great present to get them one for your anniversary. However showing that you care about them and giving them peace of mind goes a long way. You should also encourage then to do regular self examinations in the shower. Noticing any lumps early is the best way to combat this major killer of women. Make it part of your foreplay if you like, that way you as the partner has a hand in noticing anything different, because we know how much attention you want to show your partners breasts! We joke about this but regular breast play with your lover might help detect breast cancer very early on. The women in our lives are special beyond belief so do your part to protect them from this killer. THINK PINK.

In you Relationship as well as life always be optimistic.

We so often go through life with blinders on, and this is true in our relationships, too. We don't look at the bigger picture and have preconceived ideas before we experience items. For the next month or so I want you to make it a habit to be open to everything you do. This might sound hard but after you get over the first couple of hurdles it gets a lot smoother. Say for instance, you partner ask you to go to the ballet, and you a football on sundays type of person. Instead of shaking your head and rolling your eyes, be optimistic. Tell yourself as well as your partner, that will be interesting to experience, I would love to see how a ballet could stimulate me. Another example might be that your partner is bugging you about having intimacy. Instead of saying, "Is that all you think about" to them try this "I am amazed that you desire me so much, I would love to make love to you" You can use this is so many ways to improve your relationship and your life. Say your trash gets knocked over in the night by animals and spread all over you yard. You could be outside cursing like a sailor (sorry sailors, just a saying). Instead you could tell yourself as you are cleaning up the mess, "This is a valuable lesson and next time I will make sure to put the trash where animals cannot get it" By being optimistic in our relationship we open ourself up to all the love available to us.

Send a late night email expressing your feelings or fears.

Sometimes it is hard to just bring up something that has had deep meaning in your life. It might be something from you childhood or maybe even something that your partner has done the hurt your feelings. You want to express your total feelings without being interrupted before you get your whole point across. This is where the magic thing we call email is a benefit. Find some time when you are alone and construct your message to your partner, opening up your feelings and letting your emotions come out in the email. Send it to them and say nothing, never ask if they got the email, just wait for a reply either in person or by return email. Sure, face to face talking is always the best but sometimes if you might be embarrassed or scared to tell them how you feel. Most likely your partner will understand your feelings and then you have now opened up the lines of communication and found another way to communicate with the person you love.

Is love a perception or a feeling?

We have all heard at some point and time that love is a feeling. Love is caring about another individual as much if not more than yourself. We all strive to get that feeling and are comfortable when we feel we have it. Now my question is can you measure the amount of love one person has for another? If not then is love just your perception of that feeling? Take for example one person might cook dinner for their partner because they love them and wants them to have a good meal. To the next person that might just be one of the chores that they perform at their household. I question and wonder if the feeling comes first or the perception? If you can think your love is unconditional then maybe you think the feeling comes first. On the other hand however do we have to wait for the actions to show us that we are loved. It seems like the chicken and egg routine all over again. I personal feel like people view love in very different manners, and I believe that some people do feel the lover first and others need the perception first to validate the love. I think maybe if it is possible that it's a combination of the two. Happening at the exact same time that creates true love. This might be getting a little deep for you and I am not asking you to question your feelings and or love for your partner. I am just curious as to how we arrive at loving someone.

Use intimacy to cure the blues.

I am not a big fan of using intimacy as a reward. I don't think anyone in a serious relationship should have to complete a task or chore to receive the intimacy they deserve. Unless you are using it as a role play situation and both partners are participating. You can check out our back post on sexual payment for chores if you are interested in that.

Intimacy or sex, is one of the great mood changers in any relationship. The passion and the feeling can instantly change a persons outlook on a situation. Think about how relaxed you are after sex? You mind becomes more open and it allows you to rationalize much better. This might not work for everyone, well I believe it can work for everyone if you will open up to it. The person has to be willing to allow it to happen for it to be successful. When you see your partner hitting the blues then it is your chance to be the aggressor. Don't grab them by the hand and lead them to the bedroom saying, "You need some sex" Instead coax them into it. Touch them in a sensual manner, wear things that look good, treat them a little extra special, and snuggle up next to them. Show them that his is not only for them but for you also. You satisfaction will not only come from the intimacy but also from the knowledge that you are helping them out of their funk.

Intimacy is a great gift that we are given. We can use it to help us out or to hurt us. Helpful intimacy can allow men and women to move mountains, while hurtful intimacy only tears those mountains down.

An easy way to keep love alive.

There is a simple way to make your relationship the most important thing in your life. Simply put you need to love your partner everyday like it might be the last time. Now we are not suggesting that you should hope anything bad would befall your partner. What we are saying is that you should appreciate them daily for all they do. What if they were not in your life how much harder would it be? What do they do to make your life easier? Do they get the kids ready in the morning, to they get up early to take a shower so you can sleep longer, do they do the dishes even if it is not their turn, or maybe they give you time to relax. Whatever the reason you should love them for all they do because it is not guaranteed that it will always be there. People that lose someone suddenly always say the same thing, "If I knew this was going to happen I would have done this differently (speaking about the last time they were together)" We don't want you to think about bad things happening to your partner but we want you to appreciate all they do while they are hear with you. Once they are gone you cannot make up the past, plus when you appreciate them they will most likely respond with more of what you are appreciating them for. Life is way to short not to make love a priority, and if you are not you are short changing yourself and the people you love.

Being There

Sad or bad times are guaranteed to hit your relationship at some time or another. I am not talking about relationship troubles but the ones that come in from the outside of your relationship. How do you handle it when something happens to upset your partner or upset the both of your? How do you comfort you partner to make them feel better? There is no formula you can follow, because everyone is different. While some people need space others need comfort. You cannot judge your partner by what they need. If they need space as hard as it might be you need to give it to them. However if they need the physical comfort you should be there for them in that manner also. You need to find that specific way that you can make your partner feel good. Some people might want to get away and take a trip, while others might want to just hunker down a home. What ever you find that works just make sure you are there as a means of support. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your partner and your relationship.

Are you good to lean on during troubled times?

Part of being in a relationship is being there for you partner when they need you. Do you offer support and encouragement for them when things are bothering them? If not you need to step back and take a look at this today. Don't ignore even a little problem you partner has if nothing else listening will help. Avoid saying things like that is silly or anything that would belittle their concerns. If you do feel like they are wrong in their thinking try to get them to look at it in a different angle. Put a twist on it so that they can see the other side of the situation. With some good communication skills you will be the rock in your relationship. This will also open up the lines of other communication that is so important in a relationship. If you partner feels they can't be comfortable telling you their concerns then you are shutting down an important part of your relationship. Open you ears and listen totally before you make any suggestion or solutions, sometimes the answer will present itself once they speak their mind.

Your Relationship is part of all you do.

Once your a couple one thing you need to come to grips with is that your relationship is no longer yours or mine it is ours. This is a hard fact to grasp for most people, gone are the times that you only think about yourself. No longer can you just stay out all night with out letting someone know, and this is not because you have to but it is out of respect. You now have someone in your life that is worried about you. This person cares about you and to just not come home without letting them know is a terrible thing to put them through. No you do not have to run everything you do by them but you need to show respect when things are going to make you stray from your routine. This goes for both men and women, if you are going to stop at the bar for some drinks with your friends a call is important. Building trust is an important part of a relationship but keeping your partner in the dark can destroy that trust in a matter of minutes. Relationships are a commitment but they are not designed to be a jail term. Have your fun, just make sure your partner has an idea of what is going on.

"Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together"

"Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together" is a quote I heard on the podcast The Marital Intimacy Show that you can pick up on itunes. I agree whole heartily with this statement. There are so may aspects to our relationships but certain areas seem to help stabilize our relationship. Things like trust, care, concern are all very important in a relationship. However if you are in a committed relationship sex is the aspect that you don't share with anyone but your partner, these other factors you can experience with others that you have contact with such as friends and family. Heck you can even have trust, care and concern for your boss for peat sake. Sex however is the one thing that you save only for your relationship (I don't mean to offend those with alternative lifestyles, but my understanding is you have a relationship with each and every person involved in your life style) When you thing about it then the more glue you put on something the stronger the hold so it stands to reason that the better your sex life the better your relationship. As a matter of fact of all the people that I consider as having a great relationship the one thing that they have in common is a great sex life. It goes hand in hand. So, put some glue into your relationship today.

Listen.

One of the hardest skill to master in a relationship is the art of listening. We all want to add our two cents worth and can't wait to bust into the conversation to do so. Sometimes however we just need to listen and not offer any advice or insight to the situation. Sometimes people just need to vent out frustrations and the person they want to do this with is you. It is hard as the person that just listens to not want to help out, but this only makes matters worse. The person venting just needs to get their feelings out in the open and when they do the release comes. Usually if they have a point that is not a valid one they will see the errors of their way as they vent. They might come across as yelling at you but they are not, they just want to pretend they are letting the person or situation that upset them have it. The yelling or raising of their voice is just a natural defense and another means of letting the stress out. The best thing you can do is hold all comments to the end, after they have told or screamed the whole situation and then run down scenarios with them as you try to find solutions or comfort.

Start you count down!

With just a week to go before Christmas if you haven't started your Christmas countdown you need to start. Think of a way to count down these last few days before the wonderful day of Christmas. Weather it be a kiss or a hug each day with the number of days left or a sign above your bed. Get each other several little presents to pass back and forth each of the remaining days until Christmas. Take turns being the aggressor in your sex life, on the odd days you take the lead and let your partner get their way on the even days left until Christmas. Watch a different Christmas show each day, wrap so many presents each of the number of days left, or just take a toy and donate it to a local charity that gives them out at Christmas time to mark the closing in on Christmas. Whatever you decide make it fun and important to your and your partner.

Too Tired For Your Partner?

I see it so many times -- people are stretched so thin.  They volunteer for everything and have nothing left for the people they love - especially their partners.

If you are too tired to enjoy your relationship when you and your partner have time to be together, then it is time you reevaluate what you are doing. Do you volunteer for the PTO or coach every thing under the sun?  Do you play softball all summer long or have to be involved in every fundraiser in the community? Do you find yourself telling your partner that you are too tired to stay up with him/her during the evening or that you just need to relax and chill during your time together?  If this happens time and again, you seriously need to view this from your partner's perspective.

 How do you think your partner feels if he/she asks you to watch a movie with him/her and you tell him/her you just need some sleep.   Yet, the three nights before you were out raising funds for the humane society, playing a softball game, and attending a committee meeting.  What about passing on a night of intimacy because you have to get up early the next morning to play golf with your friends?These are the type of events that can really hurt a relationship.  Nothing is wrong with doing any of these things, but when you can't make time for your relationship because of them you are not only affecting your partner, but your relationship as a whole.

I am assuming that the two of you are together because you love each other.  With that bond comes the respect that you owe to each other.  Do some planning and figure out the best times for the two of you and then don't let things get in the way of your love.  If you are repeatedly too tired to be with your partner, what you are really saying to him/her is, "Our relationship comes after all these other things I am doing."  Don't be that person.  Put stock in your relationship and move it up on your priority list.  You will be amazed at the difference this can make.

Invite her friends over to watch the game!

You know it is so easy to invite your friends over to watch the football game or any other sporting event. You just call them up and the will be there with beer under their arm. Have you ever thought to invite you wife or girlfriends friends over? This would be a great show of togetherness. This way that special woman in your life doesn’t just have to listen to your chest bumping friends. Next time you are planning to have the guys over ask her if she would like to invite some of her friends over and make it a little party. This way if your partner is not into the game they will have something to do or someone to talk to. One word of caution however don’t start letting your friends ogle over hers make it clear to them this is not an attempt to fix anyone up. If she agrees to this make sure you have items both sets of friends will enjoy snacking on and drinking. Cans of Beer and chips are not usually the ladies first choice. This might also get your partner to take a little more interest in sporting events if they don’t already. By making it more of a social event you might hear them saying “When is the next game?”

Laughter IS the best medicine.

Have you ever been troubled by something so much that at some point and time you just burst out laughing? For some unknown reason at a really unusually time you start to chuckle with any control over it. This is your body telling you to lighten up. Sure what ever the problem is will need to be taken care of but you can't make yourself sick over worrying about it. This is where you as a good partner and lover take over. If you partner is feeling down about something you need to bring them up with some laughter. Make fun of the situation or crack some jokes, while this might not make things better it might open the persons mind to find a reasonable solution. When you think negative, negative things happen. You could also go out to see a funny movie or visit the local comedy shows anything that would make people laugh. Heck if you don't have any money then get on youtube and find some hilarious videos of people being stupid, they are all over the place. Believe me once the person gets some good laughter in the problem will be put in a new light. You being a caring and considerate person can help you partner when you see this happening, so break out the rubber chicken and practice your jokes.